Parenting is hard. It just is. We’re in the thick of boundary-testing with Millie, our almost-three-year-old, and boy is it tricky! I picked up Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay on a recommendation from a close friend. She explained that it helps her to parent with, well, love and logic. So I gave it a try.

When I had my first child, a church teacher from my teen years told me, “Remember, you’re not raising a baby: you’re raising an adult.” Parenting With Love and Logic takes that philosophy and explains how to do so. Of course, every parent and child will be different, but I found that the bones of the philosophy made sense, even when I might apply the principles differently.

Although it is a fairly long book with a lot to unpack, the main principles that stick out to me are: allow your child to struggle, ensure that actions carry logical consequences, and prioritize the relationship with your child.

It is critical to allow our children to work out their own problems. At 2 1/2, these problems are often things like moving her own stepstool, sharing toys with other children and refusing desperately needed naps. All of these things allow my daughter to build up resilience as her problems continue to become more complex. I can’t fix everything for my children. But I can allow them to develop skills to cope as she grows into bigger, more serious life issues. I enjoyed this quote from the book:

“If we never let our kids struggle to get something they want or work through a problem for themselves, then when things get difficult later in life, they won’t suddenly turn tough and get going; instead, they’ll just quit.”

I also enjoyed the shift away from ‘punishments’ or ‘rewards’ for actions and toward consequences that logically follow children’s choices. I never understood the mindset of throwing out unrelated punishments when a child misbehaves. So I was glad to see the authors explore how we can teach our children by allowing them to have consequences for their own choices, whether good or poor. At this stage, that looks like time to calm herself if my daughter shows that she cannot treat people well, space to play and do fun projects once she helps me clean our room, and losing a toy for the time being if she throws it at her sister.

The thing I enjoyed most about Parenting With Love and Logic is the emphasis on developing a close relationship with your child. I liked the insights on sitting with your child’s feelings, listening to their problems and appreciating their growth as individuals. Parenting is a long-term job– eternal, in fact. I want to have a relationship with my children where they not only respect and love me now, but continue to grow in the knowledge that their mother is here for them unconditionally.

Overall, I found Parenting With Love and Logic quite useful. I can see myself referring to it often. The “pearls” section is packed with practical, real-life scenarios to envision some of the principles discussed, and although I disagree with some applications, I enjoyed a glimpse into other parenting options. Definitely a good parenting read.

“Effective parenting centers around love: love that is not permissive, love that doesn’t tolerate disrespect, but also love that is powerful enough to allow kids to make mistakes and permit them to live with the consequences of those mistakes.”

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